My Race Story — India — UK — USA
Originally published on June 9 2020 on LinkedIn
In the midst of these historic times, there’s so much I want to say, and I have been having such a hard time finding the words. I want to share how I feel so conflicted, and so many of the opposing worldviews that I hold, are coming to bear.
As a 2nd generation UK immigrant, with Indian parents from the E African diaspora, the privilege of a great education, and a career at a global corporation, I am experiencing the reality of my role of both the oppressed and the oppressor.
Nothing can compare to the pain of our black community right now, and as much as I relate to the pain of discrimination, I have not experienced it to nearly the same degree as our black fellow citizens. I am in a unique position and see how the veils of belief systems shroud our reality, and these veils now feel like they are suffocating me.
As a brown woman who has lived in the UK and USA, I know that I have been indoctrinated into a system that portrays the Western worldview as just, refined, democratic and productive. My education led me down a path where I now feel entitled to a good job, a nice home, good food on the table, the ability to travel, including to Europe, to celebrate the legacy of what has been lauded as the greatest art and history in the world. I love traveling, and am proud of my knowledge of European history, and appreciation of fine art and music.
I have been accepted, promoted, celebrated, and rewarded with money, influence, and power when I adopt the white cis-male worldview, and warned to be quiet when I speak out against it. My belonging and self worth is tied to my ability to adopt this worldview. I now feel entitled to above average food, shelter, and things, because I believe I earned them with my hard work. The comfort they bring me and my family, is not something I am willing to give up easily. I have been told, both explicitly and implicitly, by both White people and Asian people, that black people are uncivilized, uneducated, take drugs, and steal. Stemming from fear, this belief ignores the long standing racist system that envelops us all. This system is the legacy of our ancestors who enslaved others, and all of us who continue to uphold it.
I have sat around a table with my whole family, and argued race with them. I pushed them to understand that all are equal (I have even argued for white people). In those moments where I have argued for what I believe, I have never felt so alone and also so justified. Indian culture too is inherently supremacist. Raised as a Brahmin, the “highest” caste, I was taught that our role is to teach and impart wisdom, and that caste was a way to separate people into particular job roles. I was also taught that the caste system is obsolete. However, I was encouraged to marry into my own race and caste. Actions speak louder than words, and at some level, I believed I was superior (still have trouble admitting this one) while also believing that all people are equal. How the heck does that work? Now, in my late 30s, I am reconnecting with my religion and my culture, and in appreciation of the ancient, matriarchal wisdom that lives in my Indian bones.
My family stopped talking to me for a year, because I pushed so hard for my own right to make my own decisions and choose my own partner. I sacrificed the love of my family for the Western worldview, one that gave me my right to choose.
In the shadow, I feel a great sense of unease, and fragmentation.
I know on the other side, that the British occupied so much of the world for so long. My Indian ancestors were first stolen from, with all sorts of precious commodities that built up the wealth of the Empire. My ancestors fought for the British during WWII. They put their lives and livelihoods on the line, to grow the influence of the empire. Even though my parents were educated in the celebrated British system (yes it was there in E Africa too), they taught me to never forget my culture. My understanding of the reality of the American way, a way celebrated to be free of imperialism, and supposedly better, is that it’s just as bad, if not worse.
Our Indian values of taking care of our elders, of respecting our teachers and books, of wisdom/enlightenment being the ultimate goal, were also instilled in me. I also was taught very clearly the delineation between female and male roles. The expectation was that I succeed within both an Indian and a Western worldview. That I could have a career, be a housewife, a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister. As for an activist or artist — that was shunned, in favor of a reality my parents learned the hard way. That to prosper financially is to be free from dependence on others. I was taught that my primary duty is to my family and that I am always to obey my husband and take care of my parents.
I know all people, when they see me, assume something about me. I know because when I open my mouth for the first time, people are surprised to hear that my English is native or that I am educated. Other times it’s more subtle, and in the nuances of how I am spoken to or invited to share my thoughts (or not). I know that people see a short brown woman, and they don’t equate that with a powerful leader, or someone with influence.
The truth is, white people, your ancestors stole from my ancestors, and you built up a whole world, where your worldview is “normal”. My attention, every day, hours of it, goes towards corporations who manipulate what they know about me to command my attention, and further line the pockets of the wealthy. My mind, my thoughts, my ideas, all contribute to upholding a system that your ancestors built on the backs of black and brown people. The goods and services I buy, mostly further line the pockets of white people, many of whom shamelessly uphold the system too.
I have been fed a lie that we are in competition with each other, and that there’s not enough for all of us to live. Meanwhile, the wealthiest white men in the world have grown $464 Billion richer while the unemployment rate stands at 20%. I know I am complicit in holding up a system that keeps black people and people of color down. A system that celebrates financial growth, above taking care of human lives. A system that says one thing, and does another.
When I have challenged the mainstream worldview, especially at work, and especially around women’s issues and race issues, I have been warned to stop verbally and non-verbally. I have been expected to be grateful for what I have, and in no uncertain words, not to bite the hand that feeds me. If I resist or push back, the system will reject me.
I can hear the white voices in my head: “Well if you don’t like it, go back to where you came from. This is not your country — if you don’t like it, just leave.”
I have always longed for home. I don’t know where home is, and I don’t think I ever have.
Now the time is for us to talk openly about our privilege.
It’s time for us to acknowledge that we are all somehow complicit in the oppression of black people and people of color. It’s time for us to own our privilege, to own our choices, and to make it right. It’s time for us to define a new culture, one that aligns with our values. It’s time for us to make home feel like home.
I see the energy in the system. I feel it brewing, percolating. The uprising is happening. We have the power to instigate seismic shifts in the system.
I implore you, take action. Donate, volunteer, organize, activate. The actions we take now will define our new trajectory. Together, we are infinitely powerful.
I believe in us.
Adding resources to take action below:
Questions for dialogue via Living Room questions:
- What do you think it would take to create a society that values racial and ethnic differences (or sub. racial and ethnic diversity)?
- Can you think of anything you are doing toward that effort? Can you think of anything you could start doing?
- When you hear people in your circles making biased comments, do you speak up? Why or why not?
- Who are you most afraid of having conversations about race with? Do you have any idea why?
- Have you ever been accused of being racist? How did it make you feel? Did it change your behavior? Why or why not?
Anti Racism Resources for parenting, reading, consuming
A Compiled List of movies, books, shows, podcast
Brene Brown talks to Ibram Kendi on how to be an antiracist
26 Ways to be in the struggle beyond the streets
Harvard Business Review US Businesses Must Take Meaningful Action Against Racism
Petition to Defund the Seattle Police Department (Watch this Seattle City Council meeting from yesterday to understand why)
